Perfection
by Anemptypromise
Summary: She always considered herself well above such silly little things as cosmetics, hairspray and being thin. All that mattered was a sharp brain and a kind heart. Unfortunetely she underestimated how satisfying starvation could be or how twisted a mind can become. Anorexia is a cruel disorder and the only person who can fight it, is the one person willing for it to take hold.
1. Prologue

A/N: Anorexia is not as glamorous. Being healthy is the real way to lose weight and be happy. When it is called a disorder, it really is, your entire life becomes disordered. All the tales of ill health are not scare tactics, they are true. Unless you want to be depressed, tired, anti-social and completely warped in the head please stay healthy. For anyone who does suffer, please strive for recovery.

I hope you find this story enjoyable and enlightening.

 **Perfection**

It started in her fourth year.

Not yet at the full scale it would eventually blow out to be, but when she looked back she realised that this was when the seeds had started to be sowed within her mind.

Hermione always considered herself well above such silly little things as cosmetics, hairspray and being thin. All that mattered was a sharp brain and a kind heart. She never understood why weight was so important. Why did girls put themselves through it all?

Unfortunately she underestimated how satisfying starvation could be or how twisted a brain can become.

It wasn't often she skipped meals. Although on these few occasions she had always experienced a surge of triumph from her self-control when she said, "No".

She didn't know where the rush of accomplishment came from and she never tried to delve deeper.

That night at the feast in fourth year, when she was protesting against the elves, I guess you could say that's when it started, but its progress was very slow.

Before the ball, she'd wanted to look great so she began exercising in the dorms and eating slightly less.

She'd looked amazing as far as all the boys were concerned. She was a complete transformation.

Now, Hermione wasn't a girly girl by any means. She didn't really care most of the time, but because she spent so much time sitting down with books, she decided it was in her best interest to exercise a little more.

Right after fifth year, after the war, that's when it really got bad. She'd gone on holiday to try and recover from the trauma of the final battle.

She witnessed fat people laying on the beach one day and the next super thin models posing in front of palm trees. Of all the things to focus on during such a time, that was it.

Making a vow that she would never be unhealthily overweight, for the health of her body, it began.

She'd sat in awe at the opening feast watching Ron and Harry stuff their mouths as if they'd never tasted food before. An unexplainable feeling of ill-ease tugged at the back of her mind. The feast was delicious, however and she savoured it along with everyone else.

The following day Ron and Lavender began going out.

This had infuriated Hermione to no end.

Lavender was blonde (not that Hermione had anything against blondes) but the fact remained that she was a tactless and a little dim.

She was also skinny, slim as a model with small perky breasts.

When Hermione looked down she noticed just how large hers really had grown to be as she had matured.

Not that she cared about that sort of thing of course.

It was a Friday morning when her skirt wouldn't fit; she'd brushed the subject aside and assumed she'd just grown.

That day she overheard a Hufflepuff in the girls bathroom stating that; "Granger could do to lose a bit of weight from that fat."

Unfortunately, she'd left in such an angry huff that she didn't catch the end of the sentence; "Granger could do to lose some weight from that fat head of hers."

The thing that really pushed her over the edge was Malfoy. She generally didn't care (or pretended not to care) what Malfoy said, but it did hurt a little when it wasn't even said directly to her face.

Pansy had been clinging to him as they walked down the halls and Hermione had heard snippet of conversation.

"You really are stupid sometimes Pansy."

"Oh, you'd like me to be smarter like Granger would you? Are you telling me you'd prefer a smart Mudblood over me?"

'What? Granger? No, way! She's a Mudblood Pans.'

'And she ugly and fat.'

'Of course darling...'

This had driven Hermione crazy. Looks didn't matter did they? When she thought about it though, she realised she wasn't very fit either.

Was she?

From that moment on she began going in a downward spiral. All the girls seemed just that bit smaller, just that bit flatter.

Hermione had generally been fine with her image, but as she looked in the mirror she began to notice imperfections that her eye had never caught onto before.

Not that it mattered.

And she went on with life for a while.

A month later she went down to the Great to find Ron and Lavender snogging particularly hard. She lost her appetite.

At lunch she studied her potions work and although she knew it wasn't a good idea, she skipped lunch.

At dinner as she reached for a steak, without warning her mind scolded her.

 _You know what? I'll just skip this one meal. I mean it won't do much harm to not eat for just one day. Will it? Give my body a break from digesting._

She couldn't deny that she was hungry, but for reasons unknown to even her she decided she'd test her willpower.

So she skipped dinner.

When Ron and Harry asked what was up, she replied she wasn't hungry.

Surely she had enough fat in her body to give her enough energy to last one day without eating?

That night Harry woke up screaming. Hermione overslept in the morning because she had spent all night worrying about him; as a result she'd missed breakfast.

Again she spent lunch in the library. Once again dinner came around, and her stomach had really begun to hurt.

 _It's most definitely time to eat, no doubt about it._

On the way into the hall Pansy slipped past her smirking in a vile way.

'Better not eat any beef, Mudblood, you'll look even more like a fat cow, its called cannibalism...'

She sat down and eyed the shepherd's pie in front of her.

 _I can't._

She felt upset about the whole thing and left dinner early without even touching her plate.

 _Am I really a fat cow? It doesn't matter does it?_

 _It does. Compared to all the other petite girls, I'm just a big lumbering tub of lard._

 _And why the heck am I so worried about it?_

She tossed and turned all night, barely able to sleep, her stomach had been growling loudly and she felt sleep almost impossible. When she woke up in the morning, she found that Harry looked just as tired.

Hermione's stomach grumbled loudly as she sat down at breakfast; shooting pains were stabbing at her ribs and stomach.

Why was it that she was only feeling _really_ hungry now? She thought that the pain would have kicked in this bad much sooner.

I guess my body is OK with not eating because of all the fat hanging off my bones. It has plenty to eat.

The pain became unbearable, but she just wanted to see how long she could last.

By lunch she was starting to feel extremely tired and very drained, so that meal she happily tucked into a lovely meal of sandwiches and fruit.

There was no way she could fast again; it was unhealthy and painful.

She decided she'd lose weight by exercising to _Weird Sisters_ and eating healthy.

And she did exactly that for a few months, thinking to herself:

 _I'll never do that again._


	2. Chapter 1 - When disorder begins

**Hermione**

It is a well-known fact that Gryffindor and Slytherin don't get along; it is also a well-known fact that Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter would do anything to get to each other, or to each other's friends.

'Enjoy breakfast Mudfuck,' Pansy hissed at the trio as they entered the Great Hall.

Ron scowled after her, 'I bet she's put a Gurdyroot or Boobur pus in your pumpkin juice, Hermione.'

He grinned, 'Lets do the same to her.'

Hermione smiled, 'That's ridiculous Ron, if you'd read _Hogwarts A History_ you'd know very well that the plates in the Great Hall deflect any life threatening poisons.'

'Yeah but a Gurdyroot's not exactly poisonous is it? It'd just make everything taste foul.'

Hermione pondered this for a moment. What had Pansy meant? She contemplated for a split second that Pansy had found a way around the poison deflecting plates. Seconds later she laughed, then shook her head.

 _That's absurd._

After a paranoid few minutes she reasoned that Pansy was too thick to think of anything like Gurdyroot. Thatwas more Fred and George's realm.

Owls screeched overheard; the post had arrived. An owl swooped down with her usual delivery of The _Daily Prophet_ and there was also a small blue envelope.

She opened it curiously. There was only one sentence:

 _I wouldn't eat that muffin if I were you fatty._

She opened her mouth in shock.

 _What the hell?_

 _Pansy._

'Um, Hermione?' asked Ron timidly.

'What?' She snapped, 'Are you going to call me a fatty too?'

Ron nodded.

Hermione's mouth widened further in indignation.

 _What the hell?_

And then she looked down. At first she thought she was seeing things. Her body was rapidly swelling, gaining weight at an uncanny speed.

The Slytherins began to laugh loudly.

'Makes no difference!' One called out loudly.

She gasped, and her face turned red, embarrassment growing inside her as quickly as her outside was expanding.

Hermione ran from the hall, covering her face in her hands.

 _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. There was a curse in the envelope. A horrible and cruel curse._

 _How could I be so stupid?_

Madame Pomfrey fixed her in a jiffy but there was no way of fixing the scar that was left behind, not on her body but on her emotions.  
 _  
There was no difference._

 _I am fat._

 _I have a fat waist, fat thighs, and a fat back and why did my breasts have to develop so big?_

She found herself observing others all day still in complete embarrassment; she kept looking at the girls who had just the right arm size or the perfect stomach.

Her appetite was low and she ate very little. Ron and Harry didn't question.

She often wondered, if they had asked what was wrong that day, if somehow it would have stopped her illness from taking a grasp on her.

Every meal she would sit down and tell herself, she was only skimping on food for the one day. She just stared at the food, not touching a single bite.

Just like the first time she tested the waters of starvation, she hit the three-day mark and her stomach began to hurt tremendously.

She felt sick and elated at the same.

 _How can I do this to myself?_

But at the same time, she was proud of her will power.

On the night of the third day, she examined herself in the mirror and saw with unexplainable glee, that she had lost weight. Her stomach looked just that little bit less round.

 _I'm still fatter than everyone else._

She did forty crunches before bed.

When she woke up 12 hours later, it was Friday and she felt woozy.

As Ron and Harry began shovelling food into their mouths, Hermione looked at an omelette nearby and the smell drifted to her nose.

It was the most fantastic scent.

 _Just a bite.  
_  
As the food passed her mouth she felt a strange rush of emotions she'd never before experienced just from something as simple as eating.

She regretted that she hadn't eaten for three days. She felt simultaneously guilty and happy that she was eating, the food tasted fantastic. It was as though her body sighed in relief, but that didn't stop her for feeling bad that she'd broken her fast.

She couldn't stop at one mouthful, her mind screamed _no_ but her hands kept moving, spooning it into her mouth as if on automatic. Within four mouthfuls her chest began to hurt and her stomach wailed simultaneously in pain and in relief.

She was full after six bites. Her stomach felt as if it had shrunk, but still she could not stop.

Ron and Harry stared at her like she was mad.

'The library?' Ron asked knowingly after a moment.

Hermione stopped, looking at her empty plate in disgust and she pushed it away from herself.

'Er, yeah, library. Excuse me,' She ran from the hall leaving Harry and Ron shaking their heads in amusement.

Hermione felt disgusted at herself as she walked into the closest girls bathroom and leant against the sink.

 _I can't believe I just did that! The way I pigged that down,_ _even_ _after I was full!_

She felt sick, like she was about to throw up and her stomach felt too full, as though it would burst.

 _I'm smarter than that aren't I? You should never break a fast with lots of food. The system just can't take it._

She walked slowly over to a stall and knelt beside the toilet trying to steady her breath. She couldn't control the nausea, she just wanted it to stop and barely had time to register what she was doing before she jabbed her fingers down her throat in anger.

She gagged as her eyes began to water, her legs shook and in a rush the contents of her breakfast left her trembling body, burning the back of her throat at the same time.

She didn't move, frozen in shock. She was surprised at how easy it had been, she'd never expected she'd ever be able to make herself purge like that.

She rinsed her mouth in the sink and stared into the mirror, breathing hard.

 _Oh, my god what did I just do?_

 _What's happening to me?_

 _Why am I becoming obsessed with food?_

 _That was such a waste! I can't do that again. There's no point eating food, and then throwing it up anyway!_

 _I'm_ _not_ _doing_ _that_ _again._

Repulsed by her idiotic episode, Hermione tried to regain her normal eating within the next few days.

She'd eat a muffin; a small bowl of soup, a sandwich but found that she felt guilty afterwards. She felt bloated and impure.

However much she hated to admit it, every time she ate and the pain in her stomach receded, she missed it.

At times she felt clear headed and light, although it became harder to concentrate. Her stomach was flatter, she felt delightfully empty and the pain seemed to be filling a hole inside of her.

Her thoughts seemed to always be on her size, not her numeral weight of course, Hermione Granger was smart enough to know that weight wasn't everything. She trusted what the tape measure told her, what her hands felt and what her eyes saw. Besides, the only scales she knew of in Hogwarts were for measuring potions ingredients.

She wasn't aware of course that what her eyes saw was completely different to what her brain perceived.

Her thoughts were constantly on when she had eaten last and the total sum of food from the last few days.

She often had moments when she wanted to feed herself badly, eyeing off other people's meals during dinner, smelling the delicious scents. She however couldn't indulge in such a pleasure; it was a furious battle between her will and her hunger.

Occasionally she'd have strange slips, not caring for one whole day and eat like a regular person. Eating what she considered a lot for one day, a bowl of rice, a bowl of cereal and a piece of toast. This is more than what most people ate per day surely?

She would regret these days.

She began to write things down in a little black book, she confided in parchment like she always did, writing down every item of food that passed her lips. She found a spell to reveal the energy in the food she ate and after that began to write how many calories these foods contained, every minute of exercise and every shameful binge.

She felt urges to tell Ron and Harry what was happening, ask them things, check with them if her perception really was warped, if what she thought was lots of food really was lots of food or if she really was incredibly fat.

Ask if it was normal to feel so hungry?

 _But there isn't anything wrong really is there? It's just a phase. It will pass._

 **One carrot….**

 **One piece of fruit…**

 **One piece of chocolate…**

 _How shameful._

 **One piece of celery…**  
 **  
One piece of toast…**  
 **  
One hash brown…**

 **One bite of a muffin…**

 **One sausage...**

Her mind was obsessed with food, she was becoming addicted to her body's natural painkillers, she was having trouble eating normal amounts now.

She had a disease that she wasn't aware of.

Hermione had developed anorexia...

Review?


	3. Chapter 2- The Blue Room

**Hermione**

'We've got a prefects meeting in 10 minutes are you sure you're not hungry?'

Hermione smiled at Ron not trusting herself to nod, she was dizzy enough as it was.

 _I hate prefects meetings._

The prefects met in a small blue room, once a week, for meetings, as well as performing other duties.

Hermione rolled her eyes as Malfoy strutted into the room and she glared at him as he sneered at her.

'Mudblood,' he mouthed nastily.

'Ferret,' she hissed,

'Cow,' he said menacingly as he sat across from her.

'I know.'

She blinked.

 _Fuck. I said that didn't I? Where the hell did that come from?_

Malfoy was taken aback.

He then did the unbelievable.

He winked at her.

Draco _fucki_ ng Malfoy winked at her.

Hermione blinked, tilted her head and pinched herself.

 _Not a dream._

 _How the heck am I supposed to run a prefects meeting with that fucking jerk_ _winking_ _at me?_

But of course she still managed.

Even with the extreme oddity that every time she looked at him throughout the meeting, his eyes were fixed on her, firmly blazing, she still managed, just.

It did make her extremely nervous and she remained jittery throughout the entire meeting.

She was completely unaware of Ron's eyes on her. She was only aware of Draco's unsettling and unblinking gaze.

 _What the hell is he playing at?_

She was immensely relieved when the meeting was over.

People began to file out and she as always, stayed behind to sort out paperwork and patrol rosters.

She wasn't the only one however; she barely even noticed his presence. That was until, of course, he walked around behind her.

She yelped and jumped in shock, 'Malfoy! What the hell are you doing?'

'Well, seeing as you're always the one to stay behind and clean up, I thought I'd give you some company.'

His voice didn't sound very companion like at all. He was up to something, there was no doubt in Hermione's mind; she'd have to have been as thick as a Flubberworm not to realise it.

She laughed. 'Oh, sure Malfoy and while you're at it, why don't you buy me some roses and we can kiss under the mistletoe.'

'Well, if you'd really like-'

She stopped and looked daggers at him, 'I was being _sarcastic_.'

'Well I just thought, seeing as how I got you to admit to being a cow, I could get you to admit to some other things as well.'

'Oh, shove off Malfoy, you're not wanted here. So, why don't you shut that fat mouth of yours and leave.'

Malfoy began to sort paperwork. 'You know you don't always have to do this?'

'Well, maybe, I want to... Come on, piss off you pig.'

'That _is_ rich, coming from you. I saw the way you scoffed that muffin yesterday. Shoved it right in your mouth you did.'

Hermione froze and breathed in sharply. It had been her first piece of food in 30 hours, She'd had a lapse, she'd only meant to have a bit but once the taste of blueberries had brushed her tastebuds…

 _Why the hell does he have to say something like that?_

 _Out of_ _all_ _the insults he can choose, he insults my most touchy subject, without even realising it._

 _Just a coincidence, right?_

 _Or does he really think I'm a pig?_

 _Oh, why the hell would I give a rat's arse what he thinks?_

 _Fucking muffin._

As the word muffin flitted through her brain stomach screamed for food. She'd promised herself a fast as punishment for her terrible binge. She couldn't stand the thought of having to write anything else in her food diary. She hated it when she had to write more than a few items of food in one entry.

Her felt for the small black book in her pocket: her lifeboat.

 _He's only stirring me_. _He isn't aware that a muffin was all I ate yesterday._

 _He's no idea how close to the bone he is._

 _Of course if he did know, he'd be awfully pleased with himself._

 _Bony schmuck. It's not fair that's he's more slender than me._

'Well, it'd do you good to eat something as well. I'm sure you couldn't even lift a child. I've never met a skinnier boy than you.'

It was true; Malfoy had a very slim build, but he was still much taller than she was. 

_Oh the irony, I'm telling him to eat._

Malfoy glared daggers at her.

'Don't insult my athletic abilities, Granger.'

'I just did.'

In Hermione's lightheaded state, her brain was working slower than usual and her world became a blur as Malfoy lifted her up by the waist.

A small gasp escaped her lips.

'I couldn't even lift a child huh Granger? Are you suggesting you are less than a child? Less than the dirt beneath my nails?'

'Ugh, get off me.' She pushed against him with all her weight but it had no effect.

Whatsoever.

 _Oh great, what have I done?_

For a small moment her perception seemed to change, she felt small and helpless. He was twice her size and so caught up in her own, she'd failed to notice.  
 _  
He could be a Death Eater and I'm here alone with him!_

 _Oh shit._

Without thinking, she moved for her wand but he snagged her wrist, keeping her held up with his other hand around her waist.

She gritted her teeth. 'You've proven your point, now fuck off!'

'Temper, temper, Granger,' said Draco, putting her down and letting her go.

 _This is defying the rules of the universe. What the hell is he up to?_

 _What is he doing? Malfoy's don't touch Granger's. They just don't. Or even talk to them for that matter._

 _This is wrong on all accounts._

 _And he's_ _ **touching**_ _me!  
_  
'Oh, it makes you feel powerful doesn't it? Being able to overpower someone as big as me. Shouldn't you be wearing gloves?'

Malfoy raised an eyebrow and laughed mockingly. 'Big? Granger? You amuse me. I'm sure your familiar with the scourgify spell. Besides it's your blood that's filthy. As for your warm soft flesh…'

As he leant in toward her, her lips parted and she drew in a sharp, shocked breath.

'…That is another story or didn't you notice?" he said into her ear. "Weasley wasn't the only one looking at you today.'

Hermione's heart almost stopped and she began to quiver.

 _WHAT!?_

 _Is the world going mad? Or is it just me?_

She only knew she wasn't dreaming from the pain in her stomach.

'Haha, very funny, your trying to freak me out I see. Goodbye. I'm leaving.'

Again she tried to push past him but he blocked her way. A small squeal emitted from the back of her throat.

'Malfoy, I'm serious! Stop being a prat. I could report you for this!'

'Oh, but you wouldn't.'

'Oh, really?' she enquired feeling now quite incensed.

"Yes, because then you'll have to explain to Pothead and Weaselbee. I'm sure they'd take it just smashingly and then once they're expelled for beating up a fellow student –that would be me- then you'll be stuck with me, without them.'

Hermione knew it was true but that didn't make the situation any less daunting.

'I give up. Why are you manhandling me like this, Malfoy?' Hermione felt even more tired and very uncomfortable was all too weird.

'Because, I just love getting under your skin. Look you're even shaking.'

Hermione's stomach grumbled. It was true that she was shaking but it had nothing to do with him.

It grumbled again and she felt a sharp, painful jab in her ribs.

She'd eaten six items of food in a total of eight days, which was already way too much, why was her body protesting?

Before she knew what was happening she couldn't breathe, her limbs went weak, her knees collapsed, she could hardly see, she felt light-headed and the world was fading...

She woke up what she assumed to be a moment later with her head resting on Malfoy's shoulder; he'd conjured a wet cloth that was lying on her forehead.

She moaned and clutched her stomach.

 _What the hell is going on?_

'Thank Merlin you're ok. Do you know how bad it would have been if someone had found you like this, unconscious in my presence? You trying to frame me Granger?'

Hermione moaned again and got up quickly, this only made her dizzier, her head spun and she wobbled on the spot.

Malfoy was up and at her side immediately, supporting her.

'Merlin Granger, what the hell's wrong with you?'

'Oh, sore stomach,' she murmured.

He looked at her, "Did you eat something bad?'

For a fleeting moment he looked worried and she felt a strange moment of déjà vu, a memory-something- but then his features re-arranged into a sneer and it was gone.

'Maybe your body can't handle the filthy blood anymore.'

She glared at him fiercely, which was certainly an achievement as she could barely even stand.

'You better not mention this to anyone!' She hissed.

Malfoy smirked and yelled after her as she stormed shakily towards the door.

'I guess we have a mutual silence then Granger?'


	4. Chapter 3 - Bets and Letters

**Draco**

Draco returned to the common room feeling satisfied and yet slightly mystified.

He plonked down on the green Slytherin couch and smirked at Blaise.

'So?' Blaise asked not even raising his eyes from his book.

'I bet you that by tomorrow they won't be talking.'

'Oh really? How'd you manage that?'

'I freaked Granger out, I acted completely unexpected and now when Weasley tries to talk to her she'll be shaken up and he'll know that something happened but she won't say a thing because she's too stubborn, so as a result he'll get angry. Not to mention I planted… well, lets just say Ron won't be happy."

Blaise looked at Malfoy for a moment with his eyebrow raised. "Scary how well you know her, really. Well, we'll see tomorrow won't we?'

Draco brushed off his comment, 'And you?'

Blaise grinned. 'Daphne was fantastic. Hand it over.'

Draco rolled his eyes handing over 10 galleons. 'You're the worst. A real womaniser. How'd you do it? Daphne was a prude for sure.'

'Never judge a book by its cover. Let's just say she has a thing for big…. smiles.' He grinned flashing his brilliant teeth.

'Don't worry I'll be taking those galleons back soon enough.'

It wasn't really about the money for these two, it was the act of betting they worried about, they were both loaded enough without the extra but it was the delicious smell of a challenge that they couldn't resist.

Blaise of course had just been dared to bed Daphne Greengrass and Draco had the challenge of making Granger and Weasley fight, although not much of a challenge in his opinion.

Although he hadn't intended on actually touching her, that had just sort of happened…

Deep down he'd stopped caring about the whole Mudblood filth thing, it was especially no use now that the Dark Lord was dead but using the word still irked her immensely, hence the reason to keep using it. 

He'd trying being kind to her at the beginning of the year, after the war... but she never said anything about his actions that day, during the final battle, never thanked him. It was almost as though she'd forgotten, which considering the amount of pain Bellatrix had been inflicting on her, was entirely possible...

And so he'd gone back to treating her the way he always had.

 _And what the hell happened today?_

She'd blacked out in his arms. She was either extremely shocked by his behaviour or she'd had a complete lack of oxygen.

'It's a shame she woke up so soon. She looked so pretty.'

Blaise blinked. 'Pardon?'

Draco turned to him changing the subject as quickly as possible. His mind turned to the Gryffindors' small frame.

'Is it just me or has Granger gotten rather skinny lately?'

Blaise nodded. 'A little, yeah, I recon so.'

Draco sighed, he wasn't going mad, he really had been able to wrap his arm rather easily around her, and she'd been very light to pick up.

'Must be the stress of being a know it all.'

 **Hermione  
**

Hermione charged into the common room.

 _What the fuck was that?  
_  
 _Some sick joke no doubt.  
_  
Ron looked up from the fire.

'Er, Hermione could I get some help with this potions assignment?'

'Do it yourself,' She snapped, her mind was too full of confusing thoughts to focus on a _potions assignment._

'Geez Hermione what happened to you?' Asked Ron, surprise lacing his tone.

'Nothing,' she seethed. 'Maybe if you'd stayed to help me with the prefect papers for once, _I_ wouldn't have had to work so hard.'

Ron raised his eyebrows. 'Just trying to help Hermione, don't get your knickers in a twist.'

'Well you certainly didn't help me just now did you? Why don't you go help Lavender unzip her pants?'

Hermione had no idea how that had slipped out.

Ron gaped. 'Hermione I-'

'Just do your work Ronald, I'm going to bed!' She stormed over to her dormitory stairs.

Ron yelled after her, 'Maybe I _will_ go help Lavender then, at least her hair isn't bushy!'

Fuming, Hermione flung herself on her bed as soon as she reached her dorms.

 _Fuck Ron, he doesn't care. All he wants is help with his homework._

 _And what the bleep was that with Draco? What the hell came over him?_

 _Has the world gone insane?_

Hermione worried her way into a fitful sleep.

She awoke groggily in the early hours of the morning with an owl pecking at her window.

She sprung from her bed not wanting the other girls to wake up. She untied the letter and the owl flew off into the cold blowing wind.

 _Odd. Why hadn't this owl waited until breakfast to deliver its message?_

It was from her mum.

 _Dear Hermione,_

 _I hope school is going well._

 _Unfortunately I have some bad news, I wish they had phones there; I'd much prefer you heard it from me and not a bunch of words._

 _Your father went into hospital last night; the doctors think he might have cancer.  
Don't worry about it too much at the moment though. We've decided to keep you at school for now. Your father ttold me this morning; "There's no point her ruining her future career for a silly old man." He's staying positive, so I guess we should as well._

 _The doctors will inform us if anything does get worse. Just keep up with your work and stay happy. We'll all pray for him as much as we can. Easter holidays are soon enough, we might see you then depending on his condition._

 _I'm sorry to send this via mail but you had to know. We'll keep you updated. I'm sending you all my love._

 _Mum_

A tear rolled silently down her cheek.

There was no sound except the soft breathing of the other girls. Why wasn't the world screaming in unison to how she felt? How could they just keep sleeping?

She loved her dad.

 _Unfair._

 _He's always been so healthy._

Hermione feel back into her bed with a sense of despair washing over her.

 _Not fair._

 _It's no good to deny it. Anger will get you nowhere._

And then the tears came in great cascading falls of pain.

And yet the sun still graced her window.

She sniffled and wiped her eyes. She felt numb, her cheeks were sticky and her eyes were red but she suddenly felt utterly and completely numb.

She dressed in silence and left the dormitory before the other girls even began to stir.

Hermione wanted it to be Saturday.

Unfortunately this wasn't a Saturday and as clever as she was, she could not control the dates, her weight or the health of her father.

 _No control._

All through breakfast, she found herself blinking off the tears.

 _And what the hell am I doing here?_

There was no challenge this morning, no temptation of eggs, her appetite was dead.

 _Dead._

Harry sat beside her smiling.

'Good morning.' He leant in close and whispered into her ear. 'You and Ron aren't fighting again are you?'

Ron sat down on her left.

'Depends.' she murmured.

'Look, Hermione,' said Ron leaning closer. 'I'm sorry.'

'Are you really Ronald or is your potions essay due tomorrow?'

Ron shifted in his seat uncomfortably, 'C'mon Hermione, I just wanted to know what was wrong with you. It's not like anyone died or anything is it? I mean why are you so grumpy?'

Hermione closed her eyes, fighting the urge to flare at his words. She paused for a moment and then- 

'You can be so tactless sometimes Ron!' She grabbed her things, narrowly missing Dean's head with her bag and stormed out of the hall.

Ron gaped after her.

'Why is that girl so moody? Look she didn't even eat her breakfast!

Reviews appreciated!


	5. Chapter 4 - Bad Dreams

**Hermione**

As deeply as Hermione wished it had been the weekend that morning, she wished it even more now. She'd pushed the news from home into the back of her mind. There was nothing she could do at the moment except get on with her life. If her father was being positive, so could she.

This seemed sufficient enough but it didn't stop it from nagging at the back of her mind. Like a fly that just wouldn't go away.

Ron seemed to avoid her for the rest of the day, which by default meant that she barely saw Harry as well.

She'd managed through all her lessons on automatic, writing down notes out of habit but also managing to under-enthusiastically send a ruler at her own head during Charms and to get bitten by the hamster she was supposed to be transforming into a slipper.

The only thing she did feel that she accomplished in the whole day, was that she kept her food intake to a bare minimum of five blueberries, this had of course broken what she thought would be another fast but at least if anyone asked she'd eaten at lunch.*

After being tripped over by an arrogant Slytherin third year, she'd checked her schedule to discover that she had to survive a double potions lesson _without_ the help of Harry and Ron but _with_ the regular hisses of _Mudblood_ from across the room.

Hermione sat in her usual spot and Harry sat next to her, but he didn't say a word. Hermione's heart sank.

Draco scowled as he walked past.

 _At least he's acting normal again._

'Today,' Snape began as he swooped into the room. 'We will be concocting an Unconscious Truth potion. Who can tell me what purpose this dream potion plays?'

Hermione, Draco and Blaise's hand shot into the air.

'Blaise.' Snape nodded.

'The Unconscious Truth potion after being drunk, gives you dreams that show your deepest desires, fear and truths that even we might not know we have. No lies, no pretences, no denials.' Blaise gulped 'It even works past our own self-deceptions. Sometimes the dream is something we already know but sometimes it reveals multiple truths that we deny in our waking hours."

'Ten points to Slytherin. Can anyone tell me why anyone would use this potion and why some witches and wizards would be _inconvenienced_ by this potionand why it is _essential_ to take _only_ the _diagnosed_ amount?'

Hermione's hand was the only one that shot into the air this time.

Snape sighed in an annoyed manner. 'Enlighten us, Miss Granger.'

'Some truths are better left untold and if you overdose you may be asleep for weeks dreaming every hidden truth in your mind and your worst fears. If you drink the correct amount it will last no longer than one nights sleep. However the potion can help to solve problems within your mind and help you to remember a detail you may have previously forgotten about an event, place or person.'

 _Bit like hypnosis almost._

Snape nodded. 'A good enough explanation. Last of all who can tell me how many pounds of slug eyes to put in and how much potion to drink?'

Draco raised his hand. 'One twentieth of your weight and then drink no more than a shot glass full.'

'Ten points to Slytherin. This of course means that you will all step up to the scale to be weighed. As much as I hate Longbottom to receive help someone better aid him. He's fat enough to waste half my supply.'

Hermione panicked. Weighed?

She knew her weight didn't matter as much as bone but she still dreaded the scales. Especially during class, it was easy enough ot hide under clothes but the scales hid nothing.

'Sir,' She raised her hand. 'Do you think its possible that we can…erm…guess….the amount?'

'Five points from Gryffindor for stupidity. You know very well, Miss Granger, that you cannot _guess_ such a fine art as potions. Lines up in front of the scales _everyone_.'

Hermione's panic began to rise as she tried her best to get to the end of the line. Malfoy was the only one behind her; she'd have to try as best she could to hide her appallingly oversized weight.*

But as she stepped on the scale positively wringing her hands and shaking, trying to block the number from him, it only seemed to perk his curiosity.

She tried even harder to block them from view covering her eyes at the same time.

She felt Malfoy peering over her shoulder, trying to steady her breath she opened her eyes cautiously.

125 pounds!*

Sure she'd lost 15 pounds since she'd last weighed herself ages ago but 125 for a 5'8 girl! She descended the scales and jumped as Malfoy turned to her.

'What do you want?' she hissed.

He sneered. 'Any lighter and you'd barely need a pair of slug eyes.' And with that he turned toward his cauldron.

 _What the hell was that supposed to mean?_

 _Why did he care? It wasn't like she was underweight or anything. Was it?_

 _He's probably being sarcastic._

 _Fucking Malfoy._

The process to make this potion was quite precise and tedious and it didn't help that Hermione was starting to feel faint. She really needed to eat a few grapes tomorrow morning if she was to function at all.

Despite her tiredness her potions still turned out the perfect beige colour required.

'Right, I want each of you to take the _required_ amount before bed tonight. _No more_. And trust me, I _will_ know if you haven't done so. Class dismissed.'

Hermione hurried to the dorms extremely happy that the day was over. Her presence wasn't needed at dinner, there was no point and certainly no one to talk to.

She took the required amount of potion before bed and drifted off to sleep quite easily, not quite sure of what to expect.

 _She was being chased by all sorts of sorts of sweets, fierce, colourful monsters, intent on devouring her... She was eating anything in sight now, binging terribly, she desperately tried to purge but nothing would come up, she tried to run but her legs were stuck refusing exercise..._

 _She was getting fatter and fatter, her hands as thick as sausages, grabbing anything within reach... She was drowning, drowning in food, eating too fast to count calories, too fast to add up the fat and too fast to even enjoy it..._

 _Now she was shrinking, throwing up her guts. She was becoming skin and bones. This pleased her. She'd reached her goal...*_

 _Harry's voice came up from the darkness; she could hear her friends murmuring, too far away to help. A veil of obsession was blocking her from her friends..._

 _She was in a white corridor now. There was a door, it had a name inscribed on it. Granger._

 _She pushed it open. Sunlight streamed in the room. Her father was lying in a muggle bed, a tray of food in front of him. He was too sick to eat. He was gaunt, so gaunt he was dying, dying. He was pale and skinny to the bones, far too skinny._

 _'Why can't I look like you? Why can't I be gaunt? Why can't I be dying!' Her words came out as a scream and she started shoving the hospital food into her mouth. Tears rolled down her father's cheek. *_

Hermione awoke in a sweat. Her body trembled. Her eyes stung with tears.

'Its ok,' she reassured herself quietly. 'He's not dying. He's fine.

 _You haven't eaten anything for two days._

 _He'll be ok._

With that she fell back into fitful sleep.

In another part of the castle a blonde haired boy was having similarly disturbing dreams, though these were neither of food nor of dying fathers.

And when he awoke, only _she_ was on his mind.

Sorry to do this but if I'm too keep this story I must stress the point!

*Eating this amount is a very horrible way to feel, sick, tired, grumpy, sluggish and depressed. Don't do it!  
*She is not really overweight but this is the portrayal of how the disorder makes her body image.  
*Where I'm from we use KGs and CM's but I know the Brits use pounds so I'm trying to make it realistic!  
*Please be aware that this disorder is in no way glorious, Hermione is only pleased become she is very mentally ill at this point in the story. The point of this story is to try and show just how bad this disease can be and how it can be overcome with enough willpower and support.  
* Again I stress the point this is a _very bad_ way to look and she only desires it because she is mentally ill.

I think I'm getting a bit more confidence for my first more than a oneshot story mainly because of all the positive feedback so keep the reviews coming!


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